It's funny how, no matter where you go or what you change, at some point, you always end up back where you started.
I'm not saying that's 100% true, but, man, it takes an awful lot of work to make lasting change, doesn't it?
Example: I wasn't terribly happy with my life in high school. I was socially awkward, fairly obnoxious, and found myself generally angry a lot of the time for reasons I couldn't always define. My solution: move hours and hours away to a place where i knew no one and no one knew me. That way, I could redefine myself however I wanted. The result: I left college with one lasting friendship, which actually began because I was moody and obnoxious. Sound familiar?
How about another example: I was presented with an amazing opportunity to move across the country and take over the entire supply chain for an entire manufacturing facility in Southern California. Within two years, my wife and I were ready to move back. The biggest lesson we had learned: California is weird and expensive.
Most recently, I began a job with a new company for the first time in over seven years. That was February. It's been a mere seven months, and I already feel like I'm caught in the same story arc as I was at my last job. I'm a cog in a machine, destined to be no more than that. I might get slightly more recognition as the least beat up cog in that machine, but that will change in time, and I'll be right back where I started.
I'm not saying I haven't learned anything throughout all of this. I've uncovered parts of my identity I don't think I would have learned in different ways. I've decided that career isn't as important as I once did, and I'm a lot more concerned with trying to find happiness outside of the workplace.
That being said, I still wish there was a way to find some measure of happiness inside of the workplace. You know, seeing as I spend 40-50 hours a week there (which, if you don't count the time I'm in bed, is more than I spend in my own house), you'd think being unhappy there all the time might start to affect other parts of my life.
You'd be right.
I'm starting to feel the strain at work. I know all business have flaws and all workplaces have challenges that have to be overcome, but things seem to be stacking up at my current place of employment. My duties have changed multiple times in the past two to three months alone, and suddenly I'm actually the second most senior employee in my department (yeah, the one I started working for just seven short months ago). I was recently designated the head trainer for my department, which, while pretty cool and right in my wheel house, has only added to my already maxed out workload.
So, let's bring this back around. I left my previous employer because I was in a place where I was feeling completely overworked every day. I was always unhappy. I hated getting up in the morning, and would call in sick multiple times a year just because I couldn't get the motivation to get myself out of bed to go in to work. I hated that job by the end, and when I received the offer from my current employer, I didn't even bother trying to negotiate with my previous employer; no reasonable amount of money was going to make me happy enough to stay where I was.
Why does that matter now? Well, I'm not quite there yet with my current employer, but I can certainly see why the turnover ratio is as high in my department as it is. We're understaffed currently, and recent developments make me believe that there is little chance that will ever change. The expectations for the performance of the people in my department are varied, and often conflicting. The role is not well defined and often overwhelming in it's potential scope.
I am fully aware of my strengths, and my limitations. It has taken a multitude of experiences, some of which I outlined above, but after all that and more, I know myself fairly well. Here is what I am sure of:
I am good at my line of work. I am dedicated, focused, and seemingly built to do what it is that I do. For good or ill, I am more capable than your average bear, at least in my current career.
That being said, I am also sure that what is being asked of the people in my department is not possible, even for me, unless I am willing to spend more than 50 hours a week devoted to my job. 50 hours a week is already more than I am really interested in dedicating to a part of my life that I'm not getting joy out of, especially when it takes me away from time with my family. I'm certainly not going to spend more time on something like that, and my compensation, while fair, does not cover that kind of commitment. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking that there needs to be a balance in my life between career and family, and right now I'm not happy with the balance I have. I am certainly not willing to tip it further in favor of work over family.
I'm in a difficult place right now. I don't hate my job, but I am finding it more and more difficult to like. I don't want to look for a new job, but I have made my needs known to my manager with little effect. I have things that are being asked of me that will have direct effects on whether or not I get any kind of bonus or raises/promotions in the coming year, but I have little incentive other than money to take the time necessary to complete those things. Frankly, the amount of money involved isn't enough to make it worth the time I'd much rather spend with my family. Even know, as I type this, I'm not alone; my son is sitting my lap trying to play with the new keyboard I just installed.
I think this will lead to a few larger discussions, but today I just needed to get back into the flow of writing, and, honestly, complain a bit to a few random people on the internet who might actually read this. If you're one of those people, thank you for listening.
No comments:
Post a Comment