Well, things have been going mostly better since my last post. I've been able to get myself back into semi-regular activity (though I still struggle to be active daily), and Kylan has been keeping more or less to the same schedule for a few days now. Last night was a little rough, but in the scheme of things one bad night isn't so awful compared with all the pretty good nights we've been having.
What I want to talk about today is just how different life in general is. Like, the big things are almost all the same, right? I'm still living in the same house, working at the same job, married to the same woman, driving the same car, etc, but life just feels so different now. All the little stuff has changed so significantly that I can't even hardly remember life before Kylan was born.
Side note, I can't believe it's been a month already...
I've noticed that getting anything done around the house at this point is now a major chore. Loading the dishwasher? Who has time for that? Cooking? Not happening tonight. Just need to sweep the kitchen floor? Better hope I've got backup. Wanna take a shower? I'm going to need to plan that 4-6 hours in advance.
You'd think, since there are two of us, that we could handle one little dude that spends most of his time sleeping anyhow, and still get all of our daily housework done, but man, if you thought that, you're wrong.
I can't remember the last time I cooked. Not warmed something up that was already cooked or tossed something in the microwave. I think maybe once in the last month I have started with raw ingredients and made a meal. Megan and I used to cook at least three to four times a week.
I kind of wish I had the money to hire a nanny; I could really use some help around the house.
The biggest issue is just how flipping cute Kylan is. I just, don't want to be in any room that he's not in when I'm in the house with him. I don't want to be outside mowing the lawn if Kylan is inside sleeping. Megan had to bring him out to watch me mow the lawn a little this morning to give me the motivation to finish it. I don't want to be at work dealing with all that drama; I just want to be at home snuggling with Kylan. Megan sends me photos of him almost every day while I'm at work, and every time she does it's the highlight of my day. It literally has the power to change my mood in a way that nothing else does.
I think I need to own a coffee bean company, or at least buy stock in one. I feel like I live on caffeine now. Before Kylan was born, I was actually down to one or two cups of coffee a day. Now I'm just happy if I don't have to have caffeine after lunch that day.
Do you know how many people will stop and talk to you if you've got a baby with you? When I walk around the neighborhood with Kylan in the stroller, people wave, say hello, and even want to stop and chat. I've met a bunch of my neighbors in the last month; even had a chat with the mailman about his daughter.
Do you know how nice retail workers are to a dad with his baby? I hope moms get the same treatment, but yesterday at Macy's I was given a VIP only coupon that I didn't qualify for because I don't have their card and wouldn't sign up for it, probably just because I was there with Kylan and I was buying him clothes.
Side note, oh my lord baby clothes might be the cutest damn thing in the world.
Sleep is still elusive, though one night this week Kylan made it through the night. That was pretty exciting.
I realized today as I was looking at my photos, that pretty much the only photos I have of the animals in the last month are photos of them with Kylan. I fear I may be neglecting them, especially Boswell. I've been trying to walk Boswell every day, and have been successful now since Thursday. We're supposed to get rain for the next three days, so that may break my streak...
This week we went grocery shopping, and for the first time in years we bought a ton of processed and pre-prepared foods. Megan and I had moved away from that in our diet a few years ago, but, as mentioned about, cooking a meal from raw ingredients has just been damn near impossible so we just need food that we can eat. A few nights I had ice cream and Cheese-Its for dinner because I couldn't get the energy to slap together a meal. At least if I can throw a burrito or a pot pie in the microwave I can eat something that more closely resembles food.
Long story short, life looks pretty different in just a month. It's been crazy, but I can't wait for more. I just hope the next month doesn't go by quite as fast...
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Baby Log 2018 - Post 1
A new chapter in my life started three weeks ago. I became a father.
I knew that parenting was not going to be easy, but I don't think there was any way to prepare myself for just how different my life would be, seemingly overnight.
I'd like to use this space for a while to organize and discuss my thoughts and emotions about raising a tiny human.
What I really want is a solid 72 hours of sleep, but I don't think I'll be getting more than 3 or 4 tonight so I guess that's out of the question. I knew that sleep was going to be an issue, especially in the beginning, but, again, I just couldn't prepare myself for how difficult this would be. Kylan (my son) sleeps roughly three hours at a time before needing to wake up, get changed, eat something, and fuss for a while. On a few lucky nights that three hours has been more like four or five. On especially lucky nights, he'll get changed, eat, and go back to sleep all within thirty to forty minutes, so the disruption to our sleep is minimal.
Last night was not one of those nights. Last night we couldn't put him down without him waking up and screaming. This went on well past the time my wife told me to go to bed (as I had to work today and she is still on maternity leave and could sleep today while she was home with Kylan). I was awakened around 2:00 AM by screaming, which she quieted down shortly thereafter, but apparently he hadn't slept at that point basically at all. For reference, I had him asleep in my arms around 9:30 PM, and again at 10:30 PM, but both times when I put him down he woke up pretty much immediately. I think she finally got an hour or two of sleep but it certainly wasn't much, and from the way she looks now it doesn't look like she was able to sleep much today while I was at work, either. Hopefully tonight will be better.
I can't say I'm taking the lack of sleep well. Last night, after I laid him down the first time, I got into bed myself. He woke up as I laid him down, but he wasn't being fussy, so I had assumed he'd go right back to sleep (as he usually would). Just as I was falling asleep, he started screaming. I actually got angry, and since I knew I couldn't be angry with him, I just was generally pissy with all the inanimate objects I came into contact with for the next two hours. I'm trying to be more intentional with my actions and choices, but I can't keep myself from being angry with a three week old infant for waking me, and I'm really frustrated with my lack of self control.
That seeming lack of control and need for sleep has spread negatively into other areas of my life. I'm generally less able to tolerate people at work (and thus less tolerable to my coworkers). I haven't run more than 6 miles since Kylan was born (and the weekend before he was born I was running over 7 miles a day). I haven't even walked Boswell (our dog) in over a week. I am sore, both from being tired and from not being anywhere near as active as I was before Kylan was born, and it feels like a spiral. If I could force myself to start being more active, I should start feeling less sore, which, coupled with the activity making me more tired at the end of the day, should allow me to sleep better and feel more rested. However, I don't have the motivation to do the work. Worse, when I could maybe work up the motivation, I feel the need to be home with my baby and soak in all the time with him I can since I can't see him all day while I'm at work.
I just don't know how to cope with all of these changes. My normal coping mechanisms are hanging out with friends and running, both of which are activities I'm struggling to find time and energy for now that I have a baby to care for. I've resorted to crappy coping mechanisms, like eating junk food, but that's only adding to the above symptoms. Megan and I don't even feel like we can go out and get dinner with Kylan, so since we haven't felt like cooking much that's meant a lot more take out.
I guess I just needed this space to vent. Hopefully I will find time to come back here and put out something more positive in my next post.
I knew that parenting was not going to be easy, but I don't think there was any way to prepare myself for just how different my life would be, seemingly overnight.
I'd like to use this space for a while to organize and discuss my thoughts and emotions about raising a tiny human.
What I really want is a solid 72 hours of sleep, but I don't think I'll be getting more than 3 or 4 tonight so I guess that's out of the question. I knew that sleep was going to be an issue, especially in the beginning, but, again, I just couldn't prepare myself for how difficult this would be. Kylan (my son) sleeps roughly three hours at a time before needing to wake up, get changed, eat something, and fuss for a while. On a few lucky nights that three hours has been more like four or five. On especially lucky nights, he'll get changed, eat, and go back to sleep all within thirty to forty minutes, so the disruption to our sleep is minimal.
Last night was not one of those nights. Last night we couldn't put him down without him waking up and screaming. This went on well past the time my wife told me to go to bed (as I had to work today and she is still on maternity leave and could sleep today while she was home with Kylan). I was awakened around 2:00 AM by screaming, which she quieted down shortly thereafter, but apparently he hadn't slept at that point basically at all. For reference, I had him asleep in my arms around 9:30 PM, and again at 10:30 PM, but both times when I put him down he woke up pretty much immediately. I think she finally got an hour or two of sleep but it certainly wasn't much, and from the way she looks now it doesn't look like she was able to sleep much today while I was at work, either. Hopefully tonight will be better.
I can't say I'm taking the lack of sleep well. Last night, after I laid him down the first time, I got into bed myself. He woke up as I laid him down, but he wasn't being fussy, so I had assumed he'd go right back to sleep (as he usually would). Just as I was falling asleep, he started screaming. I actually got angry, and since I knew I couldn't be angry with him, I just was generally pissy with all the inanimate objects I came into contact with for the next two hours. I'm trying to be more intentional with my actions and choices, but I can't keep myself from being angry with a three week old infant for waking me, and I'm really frustrated with my lack of self control.
That seeming lack of control and need for sleep has spread negatively into other areas of my life. I'm generally less able to tolerate people at work (and thus less tolerable to my coworkers). I haven't run more than 6 miles since Kylan was born (and the weekend before he was born I was running over 7 miles a day). I haven't even walked Boswell (our dog) in over a week. I am sore, both from being tired and from not being anywhere near as active as I was before Kylan was born, and it feels like a spiral. If I could force myself to start being more active, I should start feeling less sore, which, coupled with the activity making me more tired at the end of the day, should allow me to sleep better and feel more rested. However, I don't have the motivation to do the work. Worse, when I could maybe work up the motivation, I feel the need to be home with my baby and soak in all the time with him I can since I can't see him all day while I'm at work.
I just don't know how to cope with all of these changes. My normal coping mechanisms are hanging out with friends and running, both of which are activities I'm struggling to find time and energy for now that I have a baby to care for. I've resorted to crappy coping mechanisms, like eating junk food, but that's only adding to the above symptoms. Megan and I don't even feel like we can go out and get dinner with Kylan, so since we haven't felt like cooking much that's meant a lot more take out.
I guess I just needed this space to vent. Hopefully I will find time to come back here and put out something more positive in my next post.
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