Last week I was required to take a trip to get training as part of my new role. I didn't go far, just to Cleveland, which is only two or so hours away. I did have to spend four nights alone in a hotel, though, and that was a lot more difficult for me than it was even in November.
The first night, I was, thankfully, exhausted. I haven't slept alone much in the last 6 years, so I almost always sleep poorly when I'm alone. Coupled with the fact that I was in a strange hotel in an area I had never been in before, and I was sure I would hardly sleep at all. Like I said, though, I was graciously exhausted by the time I made it back to the room, and between that exhaustion and the beer I had with dinner, I was able to fall asleep fairly easily. I did wake a few times in the night, but by and large I got a decent night's sleep, so I was pleasantly surprised.
Unfortunately, even the exhaustion and the beer didn't help with the incredible disconnectedness I felt. I was able to get to the room in time to video chat with Megan and the baby, and he cooed and yelled, "Dada!" He could very clearly tell it was me, which was nice because back in November when I had to spend a night in a hotel he was confused by the video chat and didn't recognize me. However, I just wanted to pick him up and snuggle him, but I couldn't, and the rush of emotion I had at not being able to hold my son was a bit overwhelming.
Unfortunately, I didn't make it back to the hotel room before the baby fell asleep any other night that week, so Monday was the only night I was able to video chat with him. That was incredibly challenging in its own right.
I had to put this down for a few minutes to take care of my baby. He woke earlier than I had expected, so I had to change him and feed him and play with him, then we snuggled to watch some TV so he could fall back to sleep for another hour or two. That's normal for me now, and even though it's sometimes annoying that I can't always do what I want to do when I want to do it, I am used to it by now. I even expect it. I always think it would be nice to get away from him for a night so I can do my own thing when I want to do it, but it's strange to not have to take care of him every time he cries, to the point that I miss it.
By Friday morning, I just wanted to see my family. One of the other employees in my training class was able to have her family in the room with her. I didn't know until Friday morning when I came down for breakfast earlier than I had any other day that week (sleep became progressively more difficult as the week went on), and I saw her feeding her young daughter. I was honestly so jealous I was nearly enraged. Then her husband sat down with her and I thought I was going to cry and shout and otherwise make a huge scene. I knew I was going to be home by that evening, but the fact that this woman that I had only just met four days prior was able to have breakfast with her family and I was not was so upsetting to me that I had to physically restrain myself. I have never felt that kind of jealousy before in my life.
Long story short, I thought I would love a trip without my son so I could get time to myself and do the things I wanted to do when I wanted to do them. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I absolutely hated it. I'm going to have to do it again in six to eight months, and I am absolutely not looking forward to it.
This parenting thing is more complicated than I had imagined going into it, and I have a pretty good imagination...I guess no one is really prepared for what parenting is going to be like until they're in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment