I really want to write a scathing blog about the petty tyrant known as the PA state governor. I may still do so at some point, but today, I've decided that's not the best use of my time.
I live in Beaver County, PA. We have been on state mandated "stay-at-home" orders since since 3/19. That night, the company I work for shut its doors due to orders from the governor, and my wife's office did the same. Since, the two of us have been home a lot more than usual, probably like the rest of the world right now.
Luckily for me, my company was shortly thereafter deemed as "essential" (whatever that means), and I have been able to keep working, in and out of the facility. My wife is also essential, but her work can be done entirely at home, so she has not been allowed to return to her office. Thus, our income has not been radically effected.
I say all this to qualify what comes next. I'm feeling...all sorts of feelings throughout this. I'm sure that I am not the only person with a great deal of feelings throughout this experience. First, and most importantly, my entire routine has been disrupted. Like many people, disruption in my routine makes me cranky. I'm likely a bit more tied to my routines than most people, and I have trouble with crankiness to begin with, so this has been my number one issue so far. I'm angry a lot, partially because of the crankiness, and partially because of the depression and anxiety of going through a life changing event like this and not having much, if any, control over the outcome. I struggle with this a lot, because anger is something I've been dealing with most of my life, and it's not something I have found an effective remedy for. Lately I have been quick to anger with my puppy, who, after all, is just a puppy. Then I feel bad about being angry with her, and it's really a downward cycle.
Anger isn't the only feeling, though it may be the most prevalent. I've been exhausted lately. That does tend to contribute to the anger, but it also contributes to other things. I had been upkeeping a strong training schedule for a half marathon I was planning on running this summer (on a side note here, I think it's been cancelled, so probably not going to happen this summer), but through this process I've let that schedule slide and my progress has slowed. My motivation has slipped tremendously. Running isn't the only thing affected. Most people I know, since they've been home so much and had so much extra free time, have cleaned their houses top to bottom. My chores are further behind than usual. I've slacked on training the puppy, especially with her leash training because I just have no desire to take her for a walk most days. I've been spending less real quality time with my son; most of the time I just set him in front of the TV so I can go do something else. Again, all of this is frustrating to me and makes me feel worse about myself, continuing the downward cycle.
Money has been about the only thing that really causes stress in my relationship with my wife. I won't lie: we do argue about other things on a regular basis, but if we're not having money trouble, we're almost always just having a bit of a disagreement. Money struggles really test our relationship in ways that not much else can. I bring this up because, even though neither of us has lost our jobs, I have been forced to take unpaid leave. I already lost a week, and was just required to take another week in June. Since mine is the main income in the house (being roughly double what she makes), losing two weeks of work out of six, and the pay associated with those two weeks, is really causing a bit of a struggle. When the second mandatory leave was announced, I walked away from my computer and failed to return to work for the day because I was just too distraught to focus.
The weirdest thing about it all, though, is that most of the time, once I've had my coffee and breakfast and I'm chugging along on some good focused work, I'm actually quite cheerful. It doesn't make any sense to me. I otherwise appear to be exhibiting all the classic symptoms of depression, but there I am, walking around my facility with a mask on, singing as I go. I don't understand the cheerfulness, and I don't really know how to replicate it at times when I want to be cheerful. It's something I'm trying desperately to reverse engineer so I can have it when I want it, and maybe work toward putting aside some of my anger and bitterness that I feel so often.
The reason the cheerfulness is weird is because I don't really have an optimistic view of this pandemic like some people do. My employer has already proven to me that the working from home thing was just a gimmick to get us through the worst of the time when the facility was closed. Within a week of the facility reopening, management required all employees to return to the facility and stop working from home. I am sure my employer is not the only employer who feels that employees working remotely are not capable of keeping up with the changing dynamics of a manufacturing floor during regular business hours if they are not in the facility. Thus, I do not believe the work from home revolution with be as big as other expect once this is all over.
Many companies have also proven that our economy is really just a lot of smoke and mirrors. Companies do not appear to have long term plans anymore, and certainly no one had any idea how to respond to a pandemic. Case in point: our facility was closed for two full weeks. The entire salary staff was kept employed during that shut down, and our pay was not interrupted even though there was zero production. At the time, I was grateful to my company for continuing to pay me even though the amount of work I was able to do was significantly reduced. Now, seeing as I've been required to take two unpaid weeks since the plant has reopened, I have other ideas. Had I just been unemployed for two weeks like our production employees, I could have collected unemployment benefits and come back to work with the rest of the staff and focused on ramping our activities back up to pre-shutdown levels. Now, with every member of our salary staff required to take two weeks off in Q2, we are facing serious staffing concerns and having major issues meeting our goals, which will only lead to further shortfalls, which will in turn lead the company to require more unpaid leave during Q3. It's another downward spiral.
Other companies are worse. No business is really capable of taking a month or two off and remaining profitable, but the number of businesses that are going bankrupt after two months of reduced sales is staggering. I heard the other day that if the economy continues at this pace for the foreseeable future, 50% of small businesses in the US will not make it to 2021. Small businesses aren't the only ones struggling. Disney took a huge loan out during this pandemic to keep their business afloat. Auto companies are once again on the brink of bankruptcy. Businesses just don't seem to prepare for hard economic times even though the "business cycle" is a known quantity and the odds of a recession happening at least once a decade are fairly high.
The economy, though, is just the least of my worries. I'm going to do a whole post at some point about the governmental response to this crisis, but, honestly, that's what has me most concerned. Being required by my government to stay home and only go out for essential purposes, then wear a mask when I do go out, is really concerning to me.
To wrap up, though, I'm just tired of this pandemic. I hate wearing a mask everywhere I go. I hate that my son hasn't seen been able to spend time with his grandparents in months. I have tried to be informed and make intelligent decisions, but every news outlet has conflicting information and the government contradicts itself from one week to the next. I hate feeling alone and afraid all the time. I don't know what's appropriate anymore, and that is what's worst of all.
If things have to change, then so be it, but I'm tired of not knowing if this virus is going to kill two million people in the US, or if it's basically no worse than the flu. I've heard so many contradicting "facts" that I don't hardly know which way is up anymore. I guess until I have reasonable evidence to change my mind I'm going to continue living like I always have...but with a mask on until such a time as I won't get arrested for taking it off.
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