"I'm Sorry"

Such simple words, "I'm sorry."  Somehow, this phrase has become such a common saying in my life that I even still remember how to say it in Spanish from my two semesters of the language back in ninth grade.  Quick aside, the only other phrases I remember are, "Where's the Bathroom?" and, "Hi, what's up?"

Why has this phrase become so common?  I'm sure at some point it was supposed to be something weighty, something difficult to say for one reason or another.  There are plenty of TV shows and movies from when I was a kid showing people having trouble saying Sorry, or outright refusing for one reason or another.  Heck, I remember as a kid I hated to be told that I had to say Sorry, and I would often get angry and leave if my parents told me I had to instead of just saying Sorry.

Yesterday I told my wife sorry because I walked in the door when I said I was going to, which just so happened to be a half an hour later than usual.  Please note that I had already told her well in advance that I was going to be late, and I apologized then as well.  I also apologized when I was telling her that I'd be late for making her have to pick up the baby from daycare because I was going to be late.  Then, withing 30 seconds of walking in the house, I once again said sorry because I hadn't washed the baby bottles by the time we were expecting guests, which was also caused by my being late.

All told, I apologized four different times (minimum, it's possible I said it a few more times), basically all for the same reason.  In retrospect, I'm guessing my wife brushed all those apologies aside like they meant next to nothing, which, honestly, they did.  This brings me to my point: if "I'm sorry" is such a meaningless phrase, why did I waste my time and energy saying it four times yesterday about the same event, and why is that not an uncommon thing, not just for me, but for a lot of people I know?

I've been listening to the One Free Family Podcast basically since it aired.  I think possibly in the very first episode (but I can't quite remember because there have been so many and none of the titles say anything about it), Taylor and James discuss manners, and "I'm Sorry" in particular.  They straight up say that they don't make their children say "I'm sorry" for any reason, and if an apology is warranted and their child won't say it, they will make the apology for their child.  I think maybe this is part of the problem with "I'm sorry": many children (myself included) were (and still are) forced to say "I'm sorry" all the time by their parents.  Some situations might actually need an apology, i.e., if my son kicks another kid, knocks that kid down, and steals a toy.  However, if that happens and I force my child to say "I'm sorry," all I'm doing is cheapening the apology.  My son knows that he doesn't mean it, and the child receiving the apology knows it's a meaningless one.  Eventually, this happens often enough that we all just start to believe "I'm sorry" is a fairly benign, mostly meaningless phrase.

Now, I don't want to lay all the blame on parents.  For starters, parents aren't the only ones that force children to apologize; there are plenty of other adults in the lives of every child that can and often do require apologies even when children don't wish to give them, like Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, family friends, and even teachers.  I also don't believe that forcing apologies is the only reason for the cheapening of the phrase.  I believe there's been a movement recently in our culture to cheapen a lot of our language, but that's a topic for another time.

According to Dictionary.com, an apology is defined as, "a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another."  Thus, in order for an apology to be meaningful, it must be an expression of regret, remorse, or sorrow.  Of the four times I said, "I'm sorry," yesterday, I maybe once felt any regret.  After actually having the feeling, one must apologize for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another, thus making any apology without an actual cause meaningless as well.  Thus an apology for showing up when I said I would is meaningless because I have not insulted or wronged my wife in any way, nor have I failed to show up when I committed to.  Finally, I would add that an apology has to come with some expectation that the party in the wrong is expected to not take the action that caused the insult or injury again in the future.  I can certainly say that neither I nor Megan actually believe that I won't stay late at work again some time in the future.

I've been working to be more deliberate in my life lately, and I've been exploring these thoughts on recent posts so I can expound upon them openly and share my intuitions with others who might care to read them.  Apologies should have meaning, and I'm not happy about the way that I abuse the words "I'm sorry."  In an effort to be more deliberate in what I say, do, and think, I will be working to stop apologizing when I don't truly mean it, or when an apology is not warranted.  I want my son to understand that an apology is a phrase that should have weight, and if I cannot model that behavior, then he won't learn the right lessons.