A new chapter in my life started three weeks ago. I became a father.
I knew that parenting was not going to be easy, but I don't think there was any way to prepare myself for just how different my life would be, seemingly overnight.
I'd like to use this space for a while to organize and discuss my thoughts and emotions about raising a tiny human.
What I really want is a solid 72 hours of sleep, but I don't think I'll be getting more than 3 or 4 tonight so I guess that's out of the question. I knew that sleep was going to be an issue, especially in the beginning, but, again, I just couldn't prepare myself for how difficult this would be. Kylan (my son) sleeps roughly three hours at a time before needing to wake up, get changed, eat something, and fuss for a while. On a few lucky nights that three hours has been more like four or five. On especially lucky nights, he'll get changed, eat, and go back to sleep all within thirty to forty minutes, so the disruption to our sleep is minimal.
Last night was not one of those nights. Last night we couldn't put him down without him waking up and screaming. This went on well past the time my wife told me to go to bed (as I had to work today and she is still on maternity leave and could sleep today while she was home with Kylan). I was awakened around 2:00 AM by screaming, which she quieted down shortly thereafter, but apparently he hadn't slept at that point basically at all. For reference, I had him asleep in my arms around 9:30 PM, and again at 10:30 PM, but both times when I put him down he woke up pretty much immediately. I think she finally got an hour or two of sleep but it certainly wasn't much, and from the way she looks now it doesn't look like she was able to sleep much today while I was at work, either. Hopefully tonight will be better.
I can't say I'm taking the lack of sleep well. Last night, after I laid him down the first time, I got into bed myself. He woke up as I laid him down, but he wasn't being fussy, so I had assumed he'd go right back to sleep (as he usually would). Just as I was falling asleep, he started screaming. I actually got angry, and since I knew I couldn't be angry with him, I just was generally pissy with all the inanimate objects I came into contact with for the next two hours. I'm trying to be more intentional with my actions and choices, but I can't keep myself from being angry with a three week old infant for waking me, and I'm really frustrated with my lack of self control.
That seeming lack of control and need for sleep has spread negatively into other areas of my life. I'm generally less able to tolerate people at work (and thus less tolerable to my coworkers). I haven't run more than 6 miles since Kylan was born (and the weekend before he was born I was running over 7 miles a day). I haven't even walked Boswell (our dog) in over a week. I am sore, both from being tired and from not being anywhere near as active as I was before Kylan was born, and it feels like a spiral. If I could force myself to start being more active, I should start feeling less sore, which, coupled with the activity making me more tired at the end of the day, should allow me to sleep better and feel more rested. However, I don't have the motivation to do the work. Worse, when I could maybe work up the motivation, I feel the need to be home with my baby and soak in all the time with him I can since I can't see him all day while I'm at work.
I just don't know how to cope with all of these changes. My normal coping mechanisms are hanging out with friends and running, both of which are activities I'm struggling to find time and energy for now that I have a baby to care for. I've resorted to crappy coping mechanisms, like eating junk food, but that's only adding to the above symptoms. Megan and I don't even feel like we can go out and get dinner with Kylan, so since we haven't felt like cooking much that's meant a lot more take out.
I guess I just needed this space to vent. Hopefully I will find time to come back here and put out something more positive in my next post.
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